Let Me Think About It

A friend asked me how I feel about my relationship with a different friend lately, and I was unable to answer.  My initial reaction was, "Good Question:  let me think about it."

This tends to be my reaction to a lot of questions regarding my feelings.  How is it that I don't know my own feelings?  Is this normal--for someone with ADD?  --for a horrible introvert?  --for one who was socialized to be a pleaser?

"Will you marry me?"  "Hmm..."

Quick side tale: it took me three weeks to come up with the answer of "yes" when Sweetie proposed.  The unfortunate first words that came out of my mouth were (you guessed it), "Can I think about it?"  Ouch.  It's just that the proposal was such an unexpected event; hadn't even crossed my mind.  So, of course, I hadn't plumbed the depths of my feelings to come up with an answer.

In both cases (then and now), I turned to my journal to sort out my feelings.  That's normal for an introvert, I have discovered.

I write when I want to figure things out.  I write to clear my mind so that a path or a decision becomes clear.  I write out all the questions that are chasing each other around my brain.  Very often, I don't answer my own questions in my writings--simply writing them down seems to be enough to guarantee that the answer will show itself.

I occasionally give myself a stern talking to in my journal.  Lately, however, I've been trying to be kinder and gentler to myself.  After all, I am only doing my best.